There a few things more traumatizing than finding out that your partner has been cheating. It can take you on a roller coaster ride that feels like its running out of control. One minute you are ready to throw him or her out of your life and the next you are terrified of losing your relationship
The good news is that you are not losing your mind. How else are you supposed to feel? Everything you know has been turned upside down and shaken. Thats enough to make anyone feel like they are losing their mind
Let’s review some of the common emotions you are probably feeling right now
Irritable and Angry Its normal to have outbursts of anger when you are feeling stressed or anxious. In fact, anger management problems are oftentimes an effect of being depressed. This is because depression can cause you to feel so overwhelmed that things that once seemed easy can now feel overwhelming. And there is almost nothing more stressful or potentially depressing than finding out your partner has been having an affair. Every little (or not so little) thing people do can feel like another weight being put on your back. Certain songs make you cry, playing with your kids can feel like a burden, walking the dog around the block can feel like a ten mile hike. Your partner may be an especially strong stressor. Even a simple question like “What do you want to do this weekend?” can cause you to lose control. You may even have fantasies of attacking or murdering the person your partner was involved with.
So, what do you do with all these feelings? As appealing as yelling at your partner might seem its probably not going to do much for you or the relationship in the long run. Without going into all the neurological reasons behind it, the bottom line is that the more you yell or take things out the more primed you are to continue doing so. And if you really want to save your relationship yelling or fighting is not the way to do it. Right now I want to focus on ways to keep you calm and relaxed. The more clear your head is the more likely you are to deal with things in a productive way and to make the right choices for yourself.
Probably the best thing you can do is to get a lot of exercise (be sure to check with your doctor to make sure that there are no health issues that may get in the way). Now, that may feel like the last thing you want to do, but its probably the best drug known to man to burn off stress and keep you focused and at peace. You can always find excuses not to exercise, but try an experiment: compare how you feel before you exercise and how you feel after. Keep that difference in mind. No matter how unmotivated you feel, you will always feel better after getting a bit of exercise in.
The next suggestion I would make is to eat right and take your vitamins! Your body is a machine that needs the right kind of fuel to run best. Think about taking a multivitamin in combination with Vitamin D, Fish Oil and Sam-e each day. These are all natural over the counter herbal supplements that work wonders with depression and obsessive thinking. Some people may experience some gastric distress because of the SAM-e. If this turns out to be the case with you I would suggest switching to St. John’s Wort, although please be advised that St. John’s Wort can decrease the effectiveness of birth control pills.
Numbing: On the other end of the spectrum is numbing. Some people are numb before they learn of the marital affair because they turned off their senses . Others go numb after they discover their partner is cheating. Many people rotate between feeling numb and all the other feeling described in this lesson. In short bursts or over a short period of time numbing can be a healthy way to gradually absorb the shock of what has happened. It’s a way to be protected from a pain that was too difficult to bear.
Obsessing: One of the most common experiences of betrayed partners is obsessing. You may find yourself reviewing over and over again what was happening in your life or your relationship when the marital affair was taking place. You may get out calendars and review dates, looking for the missing parts, trying to make sense of what happened in light of your new knowledge. You may feel the need to ask your partner questions about what happened over and over again, but no matter how much you find out it never seems like enough. You may feel like you can’t escape the same thoughts, even when you lie down to sleep. Maybe especially when you lay down to sleep.
The underlying reason for this is that you’ve just been thrown such a curveball that you just can’t make sense of it and you think that if you gather enough information you will be able to put the pieces together and make sense of it all.
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Interrogation: Understandably, betrayed partners can become some of the greatest trial lawyers known to man in the weeks and months that follow discovering a marital affair. Like obsessions, this is done with the hope and need to uncover all of the secrets and lies. The problem is that the answer to one question often leads to 20 other questions. It can feel like you will never get enough information. Midnight interrogation sessions can leave both partners exhausted.
Grief: As I mentioned before, learning of a marital affair can feel like a death. But its not the death of a person; it’s the death of some of the most basic assumptions of life that are lost. When you think you know who your partner is and he or she does something absolutely out of character, it is hard to understand whats happened to your world you. The loss is not only about the cheating but also about the altered perception of your partner. It’s like being married to a four-star general and finding out s/he’s really a spy from another country. As I mentioned before, learning of a marital affair can feel like a death. But its not the death of a person; it’s the death of some of the most basic assumptions of life that are lost. When you think you know who your partner is and he or she does something absolutely out of character, it is hard to understand whats happened to your world you. The loss is not only about the cheating but also about the altered perception of your partner. It’s like being married to a four-star general and finding out s/he’s really a spy from another country.
Some common assumptions about the relationship that are shattered can include:
- I assumed we were exclusively to each other, no matter what.
- I thought we had the same moral values and that we both believed in monogamy.
- I never doubted that we loved each other.
- I believed I could be safe in this relationship.
Affairs bring about many losses- loss of safety and predictability, loss of dreams for your relationship, and perhaps for your future, loss of innocence, loss of trust. These are on top of the loss of something special and unique that you two shared exclusively: sex, romance, and your innermost thoughts and feelings.
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